i cant help but think

That the past few weeks of morbid thoughts was a premonition of sort. I came home at 3 o'clock in the morning, to find my mom awake, not unusual at all but the look on her face was puzzled and numb. Right away i asked what was wrong, then i noticed my dad standing in the corner of my eye in the living room, that on the other hand was strange, my father being up at this time is rare and never a sign of good news. What felt like forever went by and my mom told me that my paternal grandfather was dead. he suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep. He died without feeling any pain, and i guess that brings some comfort knowing that he went peacefully. I don't see my family often, since they live in France, and i don't usually speak to them often either, i am so glad i spoke to him last Sunday. My father's 60th birthday is on Sunday, at least he will spend it with his family and friends in France, unfortunately he will be in france to attend his father's funeral.

i'm so sad that my unconcieved children will never get to meet this amazing individual, whom i feel i barely even knew

caution may lower sex drive

I need to find someone that provokes my mind and entices my being! Even if the affair only lasts a blink of the eye. People have started to bore me. I don't like this one bit, and its not something i can fix myself which is maddening! I guess that's a lot to ask for though. *sigh*

i want to go to the theater
or an art gallery

...and i don't want to go alone or with someone who's bored out of there skulls

rant

Its been almost five months since i moved back in with my parents. Although I love them dearly and they accept who i am, we do have alot of differences. The generation gap is pretty apparent, and my fathers upcoming 60th birthday makes me think of it more and more. I caught myself thinking today about how much more i used to hang out with my dad. We would go roller bladeing everyday and go kayaking almost every weekend. we would go to the beach and take trips to cocoa beach or sanabel island. Its been years now, since we really spent any time together as a family, but our intests are now seemingly so different and for the most part it just doesnt feel like theres enough hours in the day. Ontop of that, as horrible as it seems i feel like this is my time to be selfish, still be the best person i can be, but really focus on myself. I'm 20 years old, single, and i want to do things to improve the rest of my life, my future, and even myself. Unfortunatly sense they are pushing 60 its a point in there lives where they feel like spending more time with their families, and sadly im pretty much the only family they have in florida, everyone else lives thousands of miles away. I feel like i am the only thing tying them down from being somewhere else where they could be happier and it makes me feel horrible. anyways for some reasom i feel closer to them when we don't live together, i need a better job so i can move out again. i need to buckle down and start the hunt again but sense i already have a job i feel so complacent, because before outback i went on dozens of interviews for almost 3 months and it all seemed so futile.

sorry i really use this as an actual journal way too much.

if only i followed this my whole life

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left.
-Marilyn Monroe

relax

i had about a week off. no work. no school. just relaxing, doing some homework, and of course UMF 11.

my week was great, and i am now 20 years old.

i feel like i have done so little in my two decades of roaming this beautiful planet. The next year will be spent improving myself and the world around me.

this year promises to be intresting.


goals:

do well in school
move out before my 21st birthday
work out
take care of my health
find a more lucrative and fulfilling job