heartless

Its been so long since I've had my heart, instead i have a hole filled with too many tears. its been 7 months since my ex boyfriend left me, and still we care about each other but the caring causes more and more resentment and space that pushes us apart. He has a girlfriend but can't seem to get over my activities, i am seeing someone who treats me like a goddess, but my heart still belongs to another, i feel like an asshole, i managed to ruin the relationship i always wanted and don't appreciate the boy who will massage me until his fingers are raw and pained, and hold me when i am crying about another. I wonder if I'll ever have my heart back, and if i do get it back will i ever want to give it away again? I don't know what to do with myself any longer, besides focus on me and hope i will get closure somewhere along the way. Love hurts, i don't know whether to be happy when i start going numb, or if i will be sad when i become jaded and the thrill and emotion of life's twist and turns don't phase me.