new art

so on wednesday i went and got some new art done. it seems the older i get the more and more it hurts to get a tattoo, you think your body would grow accustomed to the pain, but it really is not so. it is beautiful though, a piece stretching from my shoulder to my hip. although it is not done i am already very happy with the product i have so far. i am excited to see the way it develops.

She Wants Revenge

wednesday i went to see She Wants Revenge it was an amazing show, they sound just as good as they do on their records, and that is very rare in this day and age. they ordered the room to look more like a dance floor than a concert. they're dark sensual music filled the room and my head and heart. i cannot describe how this concert made me feel.






i am so excited for things to come, school is going pretty good, and the fetish company i'm working for is blowing up, we are starting to get paid gigs and things are going pretty good so far, its fun and now maybe it will pay off too.

all i need now is to get back on my grind so i can keep on funding my life, money hasn't been that good lately >.<

mixed feelings

so i am back in school after a month break. i was dreading going back because of my already hectic schedule, but those feelings have already pretty much been completely replaced. School makes me feel accomplished in a completely different way than making money, and go-go dancing and performing for fetish parties, although i am always using my brain, making moves, and whatnot i love being in the academic environment which is so strange considering in highschool i spent every possible moment i could thinking of a way to get out and then doing so. i am happy with my decision to change my major to teaching social sciences it will be a challenge for me seeing that i am modified and plan on only getting more done, as well as the fact that i have no intentions of abandoning the fetish scene i have grown to become such a part of. i still want to open my own business i just realize with the economy the way it is today, that may not b possible for a while and i would love to teach subjects i am so passionate about and try to make a difference in peoples' lives

summertime

my summer was ridiculously busy. I did go to school for summer A, worked at the outback, and picked up a second job as a cocktail waitress. i worked 6 or 7 days a week and that's pretty much it. I partied once or twice a month and had the pleasure of attending the tattoo expo in deerfield beach. i was supposed to preform with the fetish company i work with but alas with my tight schedule i had no time to practice. i did however get a dermal anchor in myh throat and could not be happier with this little gem.

Through all this i managed to total my car, make enough money to pay for the ticket, and the difference between what my car was worth and what my new car cost, and my car rental expenses.

i have been saving up money like a mad women i managed to pay tuition and all my book costs for the past 2 semesters withouy having to borrow a dime, and am still managing to stack up and treat myself to some body art (in the form of tattoos piercings and implants)

i cant help but think

That the past few weeks of morbid thoughts was a premonition of sort. I came home at 3 o'clock in the morning, to find my mom awake, not unusual at all but the look on her face was puzzled and numb. Right away i asked what was wrong, then i noticed my dad standing in the corner of my eye in the living room, that on the other hand was strange, my father being up at this time is rare and never a sign of good news. What felt like forever went by and my mom told me that my paternal grandfather was dead. he suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep. He died without feeling any pain, and i guess that brings some comfort knowing that he went peacefully. I don't see my family often, since they live in France, and i don't usually speak to them often either, i am so glad i spoke to him last Sunday. My father's 60th birthday is on Sunday, at least he will spend it with his family and friends in France, unfortunately he will be in france to attend his father's funeral.

i'm so sad that my unconcieved children will never get to meet this amazing individual, whom i feel i barely even knew

caution may lower sex drive

I need to find someone that provokes my mind and entices my being! Even if the affair only lasts a blink of the eye. People have started to bore me. I don't like this one bit, and its not something i can fix myself which is maddening! I guess that's a lot to ask for though. *sigh*

i want to go to the theater
or an art gallery

...and i don't want to go alone or with someone who's bored out of there skulls

rant

Its been almost five months since i moved back in with my parents. Although I love them dearly and they accept who i am, we do have alot of differences. The generation gap is pretty apparent, and my fathers upcoming 60th birthday makes me think of it more and more. I caught myself thinking today about how much more i used to hang out with my dad. We would go roller bladeing everyday and go kayaking almost every weekend. we would go to the beach and take trips to cocoa beach or sanabel island. Its been years now, since we really spent any time together as a family, but our intests are now seemingly so different and for the most part it just doesnt feel like theres enough hours in the day. Ontop of that, as horrible as it seems i feel like this is my time to be selfish, still be the best person i can be, but really focus on myself. I'm 20 years old, single, and i want to do things to improve the rest of my life, my future, and even myself. Unfortunatly sense they are pushing 60 its a point in there lives where they feel like spending more time with their families, and sadly im pretty much the only family they have in florida, everyone else lives thousands of miles away. I feel like i am the only thing tying them down from being somewhere else where they could be happier and it makes me feel horrible. anyways for some reasom i feel closer to them when we don't live together, i need a better job so i can move out again. i need to buckle down and start the hunt again but sense i already have a job i feel so complacent, because before outback i went on dozens of interviews for almost 3 months and it all seemed so futile.

sorry i really use this as an actual journal way too much.