Fall Semester 2009

This semester has been the most stressful semester I have ever had by far.  Between a tough math class (with a great teacher), a silent english class with a lot of overdone topics (still with a great teacher), I had the pleasure to have my 1101 class with), a lot of work, and tons of car and medcal problems, I felt like I was never able to get into the academic rythem this semester.  I can only hope that next semester will be better, although it seems my schedule will be just as hectic.  I don't think I had much of a funny memorable moment this time around but I did learn a lot about literature as well as math.

STRESS AND NEW METAL

With the onset of finals, my parents bugging out about money, and me working my feet off, and my car acting up yet again, and getting a 24 stomach virus and a bladder infection  I have been feeling stressed.  What to do to cure stress temporarily? Get poked by biopsy needles and insert pretty gems in my back! Yes I decided to put my body through a small amount of pain to clean m head from stress and see a pretty new adornment on my back.  As me and my piercer like to say, I bedazzled my back dimples.  I cannot wait for the end of the semester so I can have a few weeks to have some fun along with work, i want to stack up and move out, because even though I give my parents a nice chunk of money, it never seems to be enough, even though I am barely ever here. I love them but I think it would benifit our relationship for me to move out again,

GYT

Today I went and got tested, something i make a habit of doing at least once a year, no matter my relationship status.  Something I have never understood is why i meet people my age, even people significantly older than me who have never been tested IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES.  I understand that it is uncomfortable, and that it is pretty nerve racking waiting for your results, but it is important to your health and the health of your sexual partner(s).  Some of my friends (male and female) have told me that they do not get tested because they're partner just got tested and if their partner is clean they must be too.  That is terrible logic, what if your partner is not as monogomous as you may think, and he/she is just a carrier. what if you have something that they have not gotten (thank god for them), or what if they catch something from you, wouldn't you feel terrible? I firmly belive in protection, and when entering a serious monogamous relationship both people getting tested so if you and your partner happen to use an alternate method of birth control. It should be easy for women to get tested, it is important for sexually active females to get a yearly exam (pap smear), when your doctor is doing the pap smear just request to get tested for STD's that gets at least 3 tests out of the way, then you can request an HIV test (whoch only takes 10 min to get results), and a blood and urine analysis for chlamidya and hepatitis B.  For men it might be a little more of a hassle to go get the tests done, but it is just as important that they do. Today may have been a hassle to wait for the doctor to take me and have uncomfortable tests done but i am glad that i went through that hassle for my health.

moving out?

So I have finally gotten to the point where  i have enough money to pay tuition and move out, and as much as i want to get myself my own place i am finding that i am reconsidering moving out right away.  I would really like to go to France and visit my family before i get my own place because i know if i move out i will not be able to take time off from work to spend money on getting to and staying in paris.  This is a lot to consider, i have found several good options to move out and have not done so yet, i just do not want a good oppertunity to pass me by.

Shakespere

Although I can appreciate the beauty of shakespere and all the hardwork put into it, I have to say I am very close to dispising it.  It makes me feel stupid, i have to re-read each line an ungodly amount of times before i can grasp what is going on, and by the time i understand i almost forget what happens prior to that scene.  It is so hard for me to get into because of all the thought i have engage in to even understand what is happening.  I truely hope i get to read more than just shakespere in my accedemic carreer.  It seems that from middle school up until now tye main text i have had to read was something written by shakespere.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving was very dissapointing, i was looking forward to spending time with my mother and father, whom although i live with them i barely see them.  Unfortunately my body had some other plans, somehow i contracted a stomach virus and spent wednesday through saturday out of commission.  Even when i was no longer vomiting perfusely i still had a migrain, muscle pains, and felt terrible. Oh well hopefully christmas will bring better luck! Hopefully everyone else had a good thanksgiving, and i am still grateful and thankful for everything i have and will have in the future.

performance at pulp live

So this past Friday, we had a performance at pulp live, a venue which usually does not attract much of a crowd. To my surprise the place was packed. Our performances went fairly well, although three of our acts were cut out of the show due to lack of time. Drill-do was a hit, as it always is, probably from the sheer shock value. Lil' Red Ridin' Crop went great but i ran it too short. The Disciples shows was graceful and methodical, and the other shows i was not in went phenomenally as well. As with all performances, there was a lot of stress and chaos but after all was said and done I had a great time, it was my bosses birthday so we brought him out a cake,somehow the cake ended up all over everyone, thankfully I had someone there that was more than willing to lick it off, which starts another story that i will have to put into a personal blog.

weekend debauchery

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and even though this year i was not able to celebrate it the way i may have wanted to, i did spend the weekend doing something i love, performing. Me and two of my fellow performers did a show on Friday and Saturday. On Friday we did a shabari bondage show, and a wax show. we got paid for both shows and i got to spend time with one of my favorite people over the weekend as well.

presentations

Unfortunately because of my car issues and my mother being admitted into the hospital I was only able to attend one day of presentations, which is unfortunate because i truly enjoy seeing what fellow students put together and see their prerogative on things as well as see the fruits of all of their research, especially since our class is not as outspoken as out 1101 class in discussions. I really enjoyed the presentation on Isabel Allende, it was full of so much information it really made me want to pick up one of her novels, I felt like i got to know her, as well as her life, and her writing style.

just when you think

So I thought my string of bad luck finally came to an end, oh how I was wrong, Sunday was a normal slow day at work, it was my second set and I was just practicing some moves trying to make the best out of a slow night and at the last few moments of my last song on top I decided to do something I do often and slid onto my knees, I guess something went wrong because my left knee dislocated. at first everyone thought I just busted my ass but when u didn't get up they realized something else must have been wrong, by the time the bouncer came to carry me off stage I already popped my knee back into place, as the adrenaline ran low I started feeling a good amount of pain and then it subsided. Hoping everything was all right I iced it for a while took off my smeared make-up and started re-applying it then put my heels back on and decided i would try and take the stage again. bad idea, just getting up the stairs was excruciating. So the next morning I dragged myself out of bed and to the doctor, they told me to keep off it and that if in a week it didn't feel any better I would need an MRI which is unfortunate because i do not have health insurance and since both my jobs involve me dancing in heels, which i cannot even stand in right now I have no idea how i am going to pay for these medical bills and live my everyday life. It would make me so sad if i could not dance or perform anymore, or make money to support myself, and help my family. I am just going to continue to think positively and hope everything turns out well. Hopefully it is just some swelling and discomfort and that i did not tear my Meniscus or ACL.

getting better

So I have had a string of bad luck lately. First i am out of a car for two weeks then when i finally get my car back my mother is admitted to the hospital. Hopefully that is the end of my bad luck and everything goes up. So far so good, i have my car back and all i have to do is get a new system in it which is the least of my worries. My mother got out of the hospital last night, and i found out i have a really good paying gig at club cameo in south beach on holloween weekend. I also hope school will start getting better, not having a car really backed up my progress in my classes.

sometimes i think a horse would be easier

its now been a week and six days sense i have been able to use my car. and to say the least i feel useless. i am barely ever home and eve when i have my car my life is a whirlwind, school, practice work, homework, not always in that exact order but i struggle even then to fit everything into my schedule, now add the fact that i have to bum rides or beg my mom to use her car and it makes it impossible. considering i have things to do from Miami to almost west palm in a daily basis i am going crazy. hopefully my grades and bank account will not suffer too badly.

new art

so on wednesday i went and got some new art done. it seems the older i get the more and more it hurts to get a tattoo, you think your body would grow accustomed to the pain, but it really is not so. it is beautiful though, a piece stretching from my shoulder to my hip. although it is not done i am already very happy with the product i have so far. i am excited to see the way it develops.

She Wants Revenge

wednesday i went to see She Wants Revenge it was an amazing show, they sound just as good as they do on their records, and that is very rare in this day and age. they ordered the room to look more like a dance floor than a concert. they're dark sensual music filled the room and my head and heart. i cannot describe how this concert made me feel.






i am so excited for things to come, school is going pretty good, and the fetish company i'm working for is blowing up, we are starting to get paid gigs and things are going pretty good so far, its fun and now maybe it will pay off too.

all i need now is to get back on my grind so i can keep on funding my life, money hasn't been that good lately >.<

mixed feelings

so i am back in school after a month break. i was dreading going back because of my already hectic schedule, but those feelings have already pretty much been completely replaced. School makes me feel accomplished in a completely different way than making money, and go-go dancing and performing for fetish parties, although i am always using my brain, making moves, and whatnot i love being in the academic environment which is so strange considering in highschool i spent every possible moment i could thinking of a way to get out and then doing so. i am happy with my decision to change my major to teaching social sciences it will be a challenge for me seeing that i am modified and plan on only getting more done, as well as the fact that i have no intentions of abandoning the fetish scene i have grown to become such a part of. i still want to open my own business i just realize with the economy the way it is today, that may not b possible for a while and i would love to teach subjects i am so passionate about and try to make a difference in peoples' lives

summertime

my summer was ridiculously busy. I did go to school for summer A, worked at the outback, and picked up a second job as a cocktail waitress. i worked 6 or 7 days a week and that's pretty much it. I partied once or twice a month and had the pleasure of attending the tattoo expo in deerfield beach. i was supposed to preform with the fetish company i work with but alas with my tight schedule i had no time to practice. i did however get a dermal anchor in myh throat and could not be happier with this little gem.

Through all this i managed to total my car, make enough money to pay for the ticket, and the difference between what my car was worth and what my new car cost, and my car rental expenses.

i have been saving up money like a mad women i managed to pay tuition and all my book costs for the past 2 semesters withouy having to borrow a dime, and am still managing to stack up and treat myself to some body art (in the form of tattoos piercings and implants)

i cant help but think

That the past few weeks of morbid thoughts was a premonition of sort. I came home at 3 o'clock in the morning, to find my mom awake, not unusual at all but the look on her face was puzzled and numb. Right away i asked what was wrong, then i noticed my dad standing in the corner of my eye in the living room, that on the other hand was strange, my father being up at this time is rare and never a sign of good news. What felt like forever went by and my mom told me that my paternal grandfather was dead. he suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep. He died without feeling any pain, and i guess that brings some comfort knowing that he went peacefully. I don't see my family often, since they live in France, and i don't usually speak to them often either, i am so glad i spoke to him last Sunday. My father's 60th birthday is on Sunday, at least he will spend it with his family and friends in France, unfortunately he will be in france to attend his father's funeral.

i'm so sad that my unconcieved children will never get to meet this amazing individual, whom i feel i barely even knew

caution may lower sex drive

I need to find someone that provokes my mind and entices my being! Even if the affair only lasts a blink of the eye. People have started to bore me. I don't like this one bit, and its not something i can fix myself which is maddening! I guess that's a lot to ask for though. *sigh*

i want to go to the theater
or an art gallery

...and i don't want to go alone or with someone who's bored out of there skulls

rant

Its been almost five months since i moved back in with my parents. Although I love them dearly and they accept who i am, we do have alot of differences. The generation gap is pretty apparent, and my fathers upcoming 60th birthday makes me think of it more and more. I caught myself thinking today about how much more i used to hang out with my dad. We would go roller bladeing everyday and go kayaking almost every weekend. we would go to the beach and take trips to cocoa beach or sanabel island. Its been years now, since we really spent any time together as a family, but our intests are now seemingly so different and for the most part it just doesnt feel like theres enough hours in the day. Ontop of that, as horrible as it seems i feel like this is my time to be selfish, still be the best person i can be, but really focus on myself. I'm 20 years old, single, and i want to do things to improve the rest of my life, my future, and even myself. Unfortunatly sense they are pushing 60 its a point in there lives where they feel like spending more time with their families, and sadly im pretty much the only family they have in florida, everyone else lives thousands of miles away. I feel like i am the only thing tying them down from being somewhere else where they could be happier and it makes me feel horrible. anyways for some reasom i feel closer to them when we don't live together, i need a better job so i can move out again. i need to buckle down and start the hunt again but sense i already have a job i feel so complacent, because before outback i went on dozens of interviews for almost 3 months and it all seemed so futile.

sorry i really use this as an actual journal way too much.

if only i followed this my whole life

A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left.
-Marilyn Monroe

relax

i had about a week off. no work. no school. just relaxing, doing some homework, and of course UMF 11.

my week was great, and i am now 20 years old.

i feel like i have done so little in my two decades of roaming this beautiful planet. The next year will be spent improving myself and the world around me.

this year promises to be intresting.


goals:

do well in school
move out before my 21st birthday
work out
take care of my health
find a more lucrative and fulfilling job

Tomorrow is ultra and i could not be more excited! this weekend is sure to be fun and interesting. then on monday i will be a year older. I'm not so sure about this whole aging thing, i realize I'm only going to be 20, but i cant help but feel time is already escaping me! there is so much i want to do with my life, but at the same time i don't want to spend my life planning, live in the moment. I need a trip to the beach at night so i can look up at the stars and feel miniscule once again.

purple sky and bloodred clouds roll over the soft grey sand. the heavy transfixing primal beats permeate the night sky entrancing the soul, and inspiring the body. A blanket of soft silver moon blesses everything it kisses. we cleanse our energy and bask in the energy of the universe. we feel so small but simoltaiously connected to the beauty of everything that surrounds us. once again we are revitalzed to follow our vision, or even find a better vision for our future.

the beach

today was relaxing

no school
no work
no practice
no promoting

i had a day to myself! i decided to lay out on the beach a while. It was beautiful out, the sun was bright and hot but the cool breeze made it so pleasant. As I lounged and read i couldn't help catching people staring at my tattoos every now and then. usually unless I'm in a bathing suit people don't even realize i have tattoos but i dont like the reaction i get from most people, people need to open up there minds. I did not let it affect me for more than a few moment though, back into the exception, which although terribly slow and some parts dull is a pretty intresting book.

only at outback

So I was at work it was a bust Friday night and like most bust Friday nights around 7:30 there are a lot of older people going there to enjoy dinner. Walkers lined several of our walls and when they slowly start disappearing we think nothing of it, one of our many customers has finished their meal and taken their walker before they leave. There was only one walker left. A women came back up and asked what happened to her husbands walker, i had just came back up to the hostess stand from being in the kitchen rolling silverware. The only walker left in the restaraunt was not his this man was about 6'3" and this walker was much to small for this man. understandably this man and his family were very upset. My managers ended up having to almost carry this man out of the restaraunt and to his car. Who would steal someones walker? considering the size difference they must have noticed the difference.

Don't drink to forget you'll forget to stop drinking

Friday night, i decide to head over to Churchills pub after i get off work to listen to my friends band play, and maybe knock back a couple drinks. I arrived, found my friends, and started chugging vodka straight from the bottle, blue berry vodka so the bite was minimal. Bad idea, i am too old to be making that mistake, but alas i was sad,and at that particular point and time envious of god knows what. So i decided to drink, have fun and forget the momentary pain i was in. All was well, my friends performance was great, i had a blast, then it happened i took the chug that put me over the edge. I was done with.

Well i think i learned my lesson, "Don't drink to forget, you'll forget to stop drinking"

next time I'm down I'll just read and smoke some bud let myself unwind

ultra music festival

I am so excited, I started promoting for ultra (for the second year) about a month ago, so i wouldn't have to pay for my tickets , and get to let people know about this amazing event , but it has only been the last week or so that i have been getting very excited. The final phase of the lineup finally came out and this year has the sickest lineup that i have had the chance to see. I just started making my first day outfit and am looking to put everything together, which sadly makes me really excited. Its pretty shallow of me to take so much pride in putting together an outfit but its a lot of fun for me and brings me a lot of joy. Its nice to have something to look forward to. Ultra is always an event to remember, this year will be interesting, as it always is because of they mix of the people, but no matter what its going to be a great time. Shortly after ultra is going to be my 20th birthday, not sure how i feel about that one, I'll probably be more excited next year.

every breath...

Every breath i take, a constant reminder that you are not with me, no longer a large part of my life. The familiar scent of you that lingered, in my bed, on stuffed animals, and other things, is now completely gone. Reminding me of the lack of your presence, although your ghost is still with me; on my mind in my heart, every moment of everyday, but the lack of physical reminders kill me. Things as small as the scent you exude, to the feeling of your touch, or the sweet sound of your voice. Longing to feel your lips on mine again, to feel your heartbeat. Its been too long for me to still feel this way. Its been too long for you to still feel like your drowning. You know my heart is still yours, that i will be all yours at the drop of a hat. But your with her. You keep my heart on a string, for some reason this thinnest of all strings is the hardest to cut.

heartless

Its been so long since I've had my heart, instead i have a hole filled with too many tears. its been 7 months since my ex boyfriend left me, and still we care about each other but the caring causes more and more resentment and space that pushes us apart. He has a girlfriend but can't seem to get over my activities, i am seeing someone who treats me like a goddess, but my heart still belongs to another, i feel like an asshole, i managed to ruin the relationship i always wanted and don't appreciate the boy who will massage me until his fingers are raw and pained, and hold me when i am crying about another. I wonder if I'll ever have my heart back, and if i do get it back will i ever want to give it away again? I don't know what to do with myself any longer, besides focus on me and hope i will get closure somewhere along the way. Love hurts, i don't know whether to be happy when i start going numb, or if i will be sad when i become jaded and the thrill and emotion of life's twist and turns don't phase me.

as i sit in traffic

as i sit in traffic i light up a cigarette, although i seldom smoke, today i am stressed, depressed, unhappy, i look to my left and i see an older man giving me a dirty look, i wonder what he is thinking, chances are he thinks i am 16 and too young to have picked up such a bad habbit, i wonder what his life is like, and why he keeps on starring at me, then i wonder why am i smoking this cigarette. i quit almost 2 years ago i shouldn't let a bad day get me started on an old habbit, guess this guy looking at me, judging me, helped me make a good dission .

the bass

Last night, was definitely a night to remember. Breaks, Dubstep, and Drum and Bass all night. The night began walking through the doors and being denied entrance. I am a very determined person so i said the magic words that aren't necessarily true "I'm a dancer" after that i was not hassled for anything as trivial as an ID. The bass runs through my skin and into my veins, sometimes dancing to a good beat is better than sex. A few DJ's, and drinks later the main act is up AK1200 my friend (who really is a dancer) uses the pulsing beat as her muse, she puts on an amazing show to accent the music. The night is danced away in the room made warm and humid by sweating bodies, all beacause of THE BASS.

one step closer

I never thought i would enjoy going to school. When i was in high school, even in middle school and elementary school i never wanted to go. Throughout high school i never thought i wanted to go to collage. Thanks to my ex-boyfriend i realized that it is unfortunately very hard to get anywhere in life without at least an AA. I took a little bit over a year off of school and then enrolled in my first semester of school. Although it has only been a few days of classes i actually enjoy going to school now. Maybe its because i am now paying for my classes, maybe its because i know I'm doing something good for myself, more than likely its a combination. I am so happy that i actually enjoy going to school, i feel like its taking me a step closer to achieving my goals and making my dreams come true.

constantly mis-judged

The fetish scene, just hearing those words will conjour images of kinky unsafe sex for the unknowing masses. Not only sex but higher risk behaviors. This is not necisarily true. I work for a fetish company and intercourse is not the main attraction, nor is it what the club is made for. Do some people have sex at fetish parties, i would be lying if i said no but for the most part its more about the idea of living your fantasies, to be in a place where it is okay to be yourself and not be judged for your "fetishes", or even to just be someone completely different for a night, or play with people with similar intrests if thats what tickles your fancy. Otherwise you can just dance to some industrial music and meet other open minded people. Fetish parties are to have a safe place to let your fantasies go, not a haven for rapists and deviants, these clubs are made for consentual adults, who if they choose to play use protection it is also a place to simply have fun and socialize. People assume because someone is in the fetish scene that they are promiscuous, well i can put that myth to bed (no pun intended) me and several of my friends in the scene have had less parterns then the majority of people who are "vanilla" in there sex lives. You can embrass your sexuality and be comfortable with it without being a whore. Puritain views of sex is what makes it dirty, we are naturally sexual creatures, and there is nothing wrong with expressing that.